I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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