thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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