He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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