I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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