dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
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I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
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Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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