Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
