well you can't waste a boner
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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