I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
