Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
