I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
