I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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