he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
