I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
