worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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