I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
