I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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