Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
