My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
