It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
