He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
