I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
