why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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