Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
