When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
home. puking in laundry basket.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
