hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
