Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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