we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
