I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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