i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
