FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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