tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This house was built for laser tag.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That accounts for only three of the penises
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
