Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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