apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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