Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
