I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
