i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
