Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
