Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my liver is dry heaving
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