summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
