TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
