I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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