How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
