I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
