census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
