He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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