There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
