Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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