My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
