I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
