she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
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So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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