Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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