I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
