The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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