After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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