Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
