the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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