Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
