oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need moral support for this bender
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
