after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
