i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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