on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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