I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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