Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
